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The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
We are not retreating — we are advancing in another Direction.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?
Don’t be so humble — you are not that great.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
I wouldn’t mind dying — it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.
Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Military glory — that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood — that serpent’s eye, that charms to destroy…
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
The chain reaction of evil — wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn’t have an air force.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
I wouldn’t mind dying — it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
The truth is more important than the facts.
Smith & Wesson the original point and click interface.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, ’cause if they couldn’t, they’d have to wake up to the fact that life’s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot — and the only reason THEY can’t seem to keep up is they’re a bunch of misfits and losers.
I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Military glory — that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood — that serpent’s eye, that charms to destroy…
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
I criticize by creation — not by finding fault.
Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain
When you’ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain — and most fools do.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.
I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
I think ‘Hail to the Chief’ has a nice ring to it.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
… one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee — that will do them in.
There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it — and some of your spouse’s family too.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.
Don’t drive me crazy — it’s within walking distance.
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.
But at my back I always hear Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.
Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
If it wasn’t for muscle spasms, I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.
If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee — that will do them in.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.
Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
If theres one thing I know its God does love a good joke.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
But at my back I always hear Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain — and most fools do.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
If all the world’s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
Ask her to wait a moment — I am almost done.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.
I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure — that is all that agnosticism means.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me — and by that time no one was left to speak up.
Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…
The chain reaction of evil — wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.
It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I’ve only ever had one.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
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I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.
Ask her to wait a moment — I am almost done.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
As the post said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.
Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit — get lost.
Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, ’cause if they couldn’t, they’d have to wake up to the fact that life’s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot — and the only reason THEY can’t seem to keep up is they’re a bunch of misfits and losers.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit — get lost.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.
I think ‘Hail to the Chief’ has a nice ring to it.
It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood… War is hell.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
It’s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air however slight lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Yes, I’m fat, but you’re ugly and I can go on a diet.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that’s ok because you’ll be a mile away from him and you’ll have his shoes.
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
A hen is only an eggs way of making another egg.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you.
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.
… one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.
Humor is a rubber sword — it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
It was the experience of mystery — even if mixed with fear — that engendered religion.
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
… one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.
Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time
I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.
The internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck. It’s a series of tubes!
… one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.